Waking the Tiger

Waking the Tiger: Healing Trauma

By Peter A. Levine Ph.D., North Atlantic Books, Berkeley

My deep insight about the book

 By Sadia Wali

“If you are experiencing strange symptoms that no one seems to be able to explain, they could be arising from a traumatic reaction to a past event that you may not even remember. You are not alone. You are not crazy. There is a rational explanation for what is happening to you. You have not been irreversibly damaged, and it is possible to diminish or even eliminate your symptoms. Psychology traditionally approaches trauma through its effects on the mind. This is at best only half the story and a wholly inadequate one. Without the body and mind accessed together as a unit, we will not be able to deeply understand or heal trauma.”

As I began reading this fascinating book of personal development, I developed deep understanding of human state of mind. How the real causes of traumatic stress disorder affect our thinking, behavior and emotions. The author, Peter Levine is well known for his work with trauma and the common physiology with animals. There are various ways of healing the traumas.  The psychiatric and psychological methods, mythology and spirituality help to master the traumas of our life.  Peter Levine focuses on the process of what happens when we experience trauma in an extremely engaging way.

Section One of this book introduces trauma and explains how post-traumatic symptoms begin, develop, and why they are so compelling and persistent. Section Two describes symptoms of trauma and the core elements of a traumatic reaction. Section Three defines the process by which we can transform our traumas, personal and social. Section Four provides practical information to help prevent trauma from developing after an accident.

By providing the examples of animals, the author makes us understand the human physiological mechanism. It is essential to study wild animal behavior as to understand the concept of healing human trauma.  Take the example of cheetah or animals like the agile which uses its survival instincts for self-protection, human mind on the contrary becomes confuse and perplex when encountering complex personal or social traumas .As we mostly fail to handle traumas and hence, the traumatic symptoms severely  affect our mind.

The author claims that people are often traumatized by seemingly ordinary experiences. As Peter A. Levine believes, “We must discover why we are suffering. We must cultivate the courage to look deeply, with clarity and courage, into our own suffering.”  Consequently, our suffering is a result of the effects of the past events on our present. Traumas persist in the body in form of energy cause a wide variety of symptoms e.g. anxiety, depression and psychosomatic and
 behavioral problems. It traps the nervous system and severely damages our 
bodies and spirits. As he articulates, “The paradox of trauma is that it has both the power to destroy and the power to transform and resurrect”.

As the author elucidates, “When a person is exposed to overwhelming stress, threat or injury, they develop a procedural memory. Trauma occurs when these implicit procedures are not neutralized. The failure to restore homeostasis is at the basis for the maladaptive and debilitating symptoms of trauma.”

The book describes the healing process and prevention is the best possible solution to treat the traumas. It requires an individual’s will and consciousness. According to the author, we cannot control or change things that have had happened in the past.  Peter A. Levine says, “I believe not only that trauma is curable, but that the healing process can be a catalyst for profound awakening—a portal opening to emotional and genuine spiritual transformation. I have little doubt that as individuals, families, communities, and even nations, we have the capacity to learn how to heal and prevent much of the damage done by trauma.”

Alice Miller says, “Genuine feelings cannot be produced, nor can they be eradicated. We can only repress them, delude ourselves, and deceive our bodies. The body sticks to the facts.”

When we have identified the cause of our suffering, we must find an appropriate path, we need to move on and recognize the threatening potentials of the traumas. We should seek professional help that will provide assistance to fight with traumas of life.

“Trauma is another way to install a new behavior. We learn things instantly all the time.” — Karen Hand, Magic Words and Language Patterns: The Hypnotist's Essential Guide to Crafting Irresistible Suggestions (Handbook for Scriptless Hypnosis)

The book elucidates how the most common psychological traumas affect infants, young children and adults. Parents should observe unusual behaviors of their children if they undergo a frightening incident. Signs of traumatic stress include regression to earlier behaviors, hyperactivity, stomach aches, headaches, excessive shyness, and recurring nightmares. This indicates that a child is traumatized.

The book employs a series of exercises that help us focus on bodily sensations. The purpose of these exercises is to facilitate the resolution of the trauma. The creative healing process can be blocked in a number of ways—by using drugs to suppress symptoms, by overemphasizing adjustment or exercising self-control.

The book helps us to transform ourselves by developing our innate capacity to identify the causes of  trauma, heal and respond respectively. The personal development guide is helpful for those who have been traumatized; the readers instead of re-experiencing the pain will search for renewal and healing.

Stalking God: My Unorthodox Search for Something to Believe-Book Review

Stalking God:

My Unorthodox Search for Something to Believe- Anjali Kumar

Book REVIEW

By SADIA WALI

“To gain a spiritual thirst, we must desire it.” (Sermons on spiritual thirst- v.37)

In "Stalking God: My Unorthodox Search for Something to Believe, the author Anjali Kumar aims to find spiritual quest in a modern world. She takes us along on her quest for spiritual meaning and connection with God. Being a corporate lawyer and senior counsel at Google, she responded to people with absolute faith, conviction and wisdom. It was the birth of her daughter, Zia that enhanced her sense of spiritual curiosity; she developed inner desire to gain more spiritual passion and zeal for God. Nothing could quench her spiritual thirst until she decided to explore the mainstream and unorthodox religious practices widely practiced in the world today.  Anjali Kumar set out on a spiritual pilgrimage, looking for answers of the following questions:

·        Why are we here?

·        What is the meaning of life?

·        What happens when we die?

·        Is there a God?

The entire book is enjoyable as it provides interesting travelogue and weird experiences of Anjali Kumar. Her quest of self- discovery and spiritual clarity began with learning of both western and Eastern religion Gopi, a coworker at Google proposed that she meet a spiritual healer from India, Hugging Amma.  Amma was engaged with social communities to promote love, peace and social cohesions in the world. She built a state-of-the-art university and a medical school in the Indian state of Kerala. Her experience to meet this amazing lady was ineffable. She changed her clothes three times as finally she decided to wear yoga pants and a loose- fitting shirt. It was an overwhelming experience for Anjali to meet Amma. 

As she related, “Amma entered to palpable excitement. I was standing close enough that I unintentionally ended up in a makeshift receiving line, which made it possible to reach out and touch her hand. She was wearing a white cotton sari. When I approached Amma, one of Amma’s children pushed me down on my knees, and Amma pulled me in to a long bear hug. When she released me from the embrace, Amma held me at arm’s length, then looked and smiled at me with honesty and purity. Before sending me on my way, she gave me a packet of sandalwood powder and a kiss.”

Hugging Amma seemed Holy Communion to her.Having an enlightening experience of Amma, Anjali proceeded towards Brazil for spiritual salvation. . Here she met John of God. John of God (JOG) was a faith healer who performed miracles. She learned that JOG enters a trancelike state where he gets spiritual power to heal the sick. JOG has no formal education of medicine. But he proficiently performs medical procedures such as invisible and visible surgeries. As Anjali stood by his side for surgery, she felt a strange physical reaction. “I decided that when my turn came, I should ask JOG to help me find laughter and passion and to learn how to heal and protect my heart.” 

JOG simply waved her and did not reply. However, in meditation room she focused on an advice by Norberto. “Smile more, pray more… happy more. Drink more water. Eat breakfast. Real breakfast at a table, with your family.” She began to feel something miraculous happening. It was energy transformation; infinite enlightenment and   joviality.

She discussed her recent spiritual visits with her mother whom denied that gurus and healers are of no value. She believed that they just take money and are of no help. Anjali’s parents followed Jain religion which says there are an infinite number of Gods. As her mother said, “I don’t believe in God” . Anjali believed it an atheist comment. Instead of growing perplexed, she aimed for personal spiritual growth as to guide her daughter towards the right path.

Her next venture was to visit a guru named Shri Param Eswaran (aka Paramji). Paramji is a spiritual yoni healer. He practices something called Para-Tan sounding or Tantric Sound Healing, which create positive emotions, increase, self-esteem and spiritual enlightenment. The spiritual practice of guru also includes channeling vibrations into a specific body by using mantras and chanting. Chanting helps to cure heart disease, insomnia and improves brain function. Describing her feelings, she said, I felt third-eye pressure between my brows—the chakra attributed to spiritual insight, wisdom, and intuition—like a fly on my forehead. I didn’t know if I believed this was real or put-on. But the chanting itself, in unison, was harmonic, elevating, and compelling. 

The spiritual message of   Paramji was “To mind my own business”. “To focus on me.”

Another spiritual practice named Soul Cycle delivers the collective energy of the crowd—just without the church. It is forty-five-minute dopamine-pumping session that renewed energy, increased confidence and spiritual health of a person. An interesting expedition of Anjali was witchcraft connection. Through face book, Amazon and other social media, she learned that witches using mystical forces do spells of black magic for evil and white magic for good. They have no sacred text like the Bible, Quran, or Torah. The author found WICCA, practising modern witchcraft in Great Britain. Their magical spells increase personal empowerment, love, health and healing.  This spiritual quest helped her to identify her misconceptions about witchcraft, black magic, cosmic energy and superstition. She developed close association with two witches. As she felt “I am half witch.”

Bikram yoga, introduced in California by Bikram Choudhury in the 1970s was used to transcend spiritual enlightenment. The yoga was followed by high heat and sweat lodges that build up mind-body-spirit connection. Anjali inspired by sweat lodges decided to experience spiritual and healing nature of sweat lodge by covering herself in Mayan clay. Clay ritual involved meditative practice that physically and mentally heal the body, increase self- direction and goal setting.

As relating her experience she said, “Doing so changes your behavior on both a conscious and a subconscious level, and that changes your outcomes in a manner that brings you closer to what you actually want to achieve.”

The experience with Fay, a faith healer was astounding for the author. As Anjali recalled Fay speaks to dead people. Initially, Fay and Anjali had telephonic conversation; Fay asked her general questions regarding her family. A few months later they met in New York. Anjali learned that about two types of memories, first one relates to the painful memories of the dead person. Second one is “grocery store moments that refers to speaking with dead people. Anjali was still bewildered whether Fay really talks to the dead or just trying to manipulate her like priests, ministers, rabbis, and other religious leaders. In her opinion, “Because the simple truth is, I don’t know if a medium can access the dead, but those religious leaders have no hard proof of their connections to God either.”  

Further explicating she said, “I will never know for sure if Fay or anyone else can actually talk to the dead, but I do know that believing they can has a powerful effect. It is called the placebo shaman effect and serves as a source of superhuman strength for all of us.”

She related another exciting spiritual journey to Cusco, Peru and Machu. In Peru, she met ayahuasca, the ancient visionary “plant teacher” in Cusco. Anjali believes this ancient plant as liquid spiritual lightning that physically and mentally transform the body. “ayahuasca allows you to communicate with “the universe,” said Anjali. In Machu Picchu, she took a solitary walk to experience the spirituality and beauty of the place. During silent meditation on the rock, she pondered over different philosophies of spiritual leaders and scientists regarding believe in God.

“Dutch philosopher Benedict de Spinoza’s vision of God says God is river and sea, mountain and sky, and that his handiwork is seen nowhere better than in the complex and grandiose laws of nature.” 

Thomas Edison says, “When you see everything that happens in the world of science and in the working of the universe, you cannot deny that there is a ‘Captain on the bridge.”

Werner Heisenberg, who received the 1932 Nobel Prize in Physics for the creation of quantum mechanics said, “The first gulp from the glass of natural sciences will turn you into an atheist, but at the bottom of the glass God is waiting for you.”

As she continued to meditate, she was spellbound by beauty of nature and she believed that laws of nature are proof of the existence of God. She felt,“ It felt like a spiritual intervention. I opened my eyes and looked around. Nobody was there. My skin had been set on fire.”

Through Google, she learned about Patrick San Francesco, the energy healer in India. To some people he was a miracle healer while others find him manipulating people through his marketing tactic.  Anjali made great efforts to contact this faith healer however, in the end she gave up.

During the quest, she realized that “virtually everyone asked for essentially the same three things, Health, Happiness and Love. However, Anjali yearned to search inside herself, learn about existence of God and purpose of living. All the four healers the Japanese reibaishi, Patrick the Healer, Fay and Chade-Meng Tan, an engineer at Google with the job title Jolly Good Fellow unable to satisfy her as she felt,  “Maybe I am fine and don’t need healing.”

Burning Man is an annual festival/phenomenon that includes healing sessions and lectures that Anjali found inspirational that helped her to find answers for her questions. Burning Man has rituals, symbols and ten guiding principle like Ten Commandments or the Five Pillars of Islam. As compared to five pillars of Islam, these ten guiding principles teach more about community building, emphasize on “reinventing cultural assumptions, creativity and self- actualization. The atmosphere appeared to be mesmerizing for the author. She also had astrology session with the yogi.

She studied divine feminine as she conducted distance healing by joining a laughing yoga group via the Internet. The purpose behind using online laughing is to improve health and happiness. Laughter therapy reduces stress, lessen pain, improve cardiac health and also helpful for treating cancer patients. It was a splendid experience for Anjali to make people laugh. The session began with audio Skype, no causal or formal talk take place between anchor and audience, the session was reserved for laughing only.

As Anjali recalled, I’m laughing online with people in India.” Then we began, and the audio kicked in with a nonstop, overlapping stream of laughter paired with more emojis and random typed comments like “We are so happy because we laugh.” 

Although it was a fake laughter, yet she and her daughter Zia attracted people to laugh wholeheartedly. Her laughing session reached to various parts of the world, laughing energy was sent for peace in the world, people do laughing yoga while engaged in their work, cooking, travelling or driving. Anjali main purpose was to develop spiritual salvation in people which was done through Maharishi Effect and placebo effect.

Her spiritual urgency and curiosity of learning about God satiated as she learned that human beings belonging to any cast or religion believe in their God to grant a inner peace, health, happiness and Love. She inspired readers to find a peaceful spiritual home that lead to transformation of mind, ideas, feelings and behavior.  She questions, “What could we achieve for each other? For humanity?” Let’s find out — together. 

 Let’s read this verse to explore our faith and gain spiritual enlightenment.

“And I said to the man who stood at the gate of the year:

“Give me a light that I may tread safely into the unknown.”

And he replied:

“Go out into the darkness and put your hand into the Hand of God.

That shall be to you better than light and safer than a known way.”

—from “God Knows” by Minnie Louise Haskins

Book Review - My Feudal lord

Book Review

My Feudal lord

 BY Sadia Wali

I found an inner strength to fight for myself. It was clear that nobody else would.” ― Tehmina Durrani, My Feudal Lord

         A shiver runs down my spine as I begin to read this heart-wrenching story of Tehmina Durrani- the daughter of former Governor of State Bank of Pakistan and Managing Director of Pakistan International Airlines, S.U. Durrani  and wife of Ghulam Mustafa Khar. Tehmina stout-heartedly described her abusive and traumatic marriage to Mustafa Khar. With inner strength and valor, she endured the hypocritical and tortuous behaviour  of her chauvinist husband.

     Ghulam Mustafa Khar renowned politician destroyed lives of Tehmina and five other innocent women .It was Tehmina who presented to the world the vulnerable position of women in Pakistani society and how they suffer in silence. The autobiography as Tehmina says has broken the taboos for women facing uncomplaining hardships .As I believe we educated women needs to be socially and ethically aware of our rights. We are living in a male- dominated society where it is not easy to speak up against men’s atrocious behaviour nor women have any support to raise their voice against injustice done to them.

        Divorce or taking Khula is considered a taboo in our masculine society and culture. Women are not encouraged to take up such bold initiatives, they remain subdued and complaint due to social pressures. Women who attempt to fight up for their rights have to face challenging situations such as feeling insecure, losing self-confidence, self- identity and self- esteem. As how Tehmina made seven to eight attempts to get rid of this wild man, Ghulam Mustafa Khar, being a mother of five children weakened her every time.She continued to suffer painful emotional turmoil.

As she said, “I knew that I could not leave him. I had entered into a controversial marriage and I had to strive to keep it intact.” He promised to be good husband. I grasp desperately at these signs of his approval. My goal was to keep him in his mood.”

         

        Women who have read the autobiography opined that it was the wrong decision of Tehmina to leave her first husband Anees and marry Mustafa who attracted her with his glamorous political affluences. But my opinion is slightly different; I personally believe that women have social, legal and religious rights to choose the partner she likes whether it is her first marriage or second marriage. If she is unhappy and unsatisfied, she has every right to opt for better decision in life. If men can opt for four marriages why not women? Second thing women want a loving compatible life partner, they do not want to live a life with a barbarian. The brutish attitude of men is never condemned by society and families. Women take the risk of trusting a man who betrays her soul by his foul play, unethical behavior, language and manipulative acts of love-making, thinking women as ‘sexual object’.  Tehmina ‘s tormenting  story portrays  the story of an ordinary woman  who yearns  to live a perfect respectable marriage life.

          Mustafa was portrayed as a mentally sick person, he physically and sexually assaulted Tehamina many times.She became pregnant due to his violent  physical behaviour. As she declared herself as ‘Sexual object.”

        I would like to quote some horrifying physical assaults of Mustafa. Tehmina accompanied her mother   to a dinner, she was ordered by Mustafa to reach home by 10.30 pm. As she got late, she had to suffer terrible consequences. She was locked in a tortuous chamber, he tore her sari to shreds and beat her savagely.  When she became pregnant the first time, she faced the worst fury of Khar.As Tehmina related, “He hit me on my face, he clutched at me and pulled me from the bed. He threw me to the floor. My forehead crashed against the corner of the bedside table and I screamed in horror as blood gushed into my eye.”

          After facing continuous physical assaults, Tehmina understood the dual personality of Mustafa. He manipulated her by being violent and then displaying civility by showing compassion and forgiveness.

               The latter part of the book focused on Mustafa’s exile and Tehmina with her strength of character coped with all the political challenges, personal and social relationships. During exile, Mustafa developed good relations with Tehmina’s family. However, Tehmina suspected Mustafa and her youngest sister Adila developed illicit relations. This emotional agony developed hysteria. Tehmina also tried to commit suicide by taking tranquillizers. According to her, “The constant making and breaking had  taken its toll on me. The cracks could not be papered over with words.”

         The best part of the book I like when Tehmina gained spiritual strength to transform herself from a subdued house wife to a strong woman. Instead of remaining a silent spectator she became reactive. Once Mustafa in anger snapped a jug from bathroom and tried to hit her head .   Instantaneously, she slammed the door and locked him inside.She strongly spoke, “If you can only understand once and for all that  Iam not here to take your nonsense, I’ll let you out.” 

         Another incident I would liketo quote is Tehmina was working in kitchen when Mustafa insisted to go out. As he said I’ll break every bone in your body, the very next moment Tehmina grabbed the pot from the stove and threw at him. She ferociously screamed, “I know there is a sick insane animal outside. Do you really expect me to come out and hand myself over.”

         Despite gaining spiritual strength, the decision of taking divorce from Mustafa was a hard decision. Once she made effort to leave Mustafa and lived in a hotel arranged by her brother Asim. But Mustafa tricked her by asking permission to meet children and kidnapped them. Children were sent to Pakistan, they lived with Mustafa’s family in the village of Kot Addu. By kidnapping children, Mustafa tried to blackmail Tehmina to come back to him. Facing continuous threats from Mustafa and unsupportive attitude of her family, Tehmina was compelled to go back to Mustafa.

           Her goal was to win her children. She had no emotional attachment with Mustafa, yet she played a pivotal role in political campaigns for Mustafa. She also made efforts to release him from exile. She was declared as ‘Lioness’ by party members, the woman who fought a rentless and successful battle to free her husband.

         The last part of the book explicates the real struggle of Tehmina after breaking up from Mustafa. In her words, “I pleaded that I did not have strength to cope with further betrayal, abuse and begged for mercy. “There was no end to her tears; finally she decided to take’ Khula’.  Once she told Mustafa, “You stripped me of everything. But from today, you can never say that Tehmina is your wife. You lost me in the bargain.”

After Khula Tehmina felt as “A great burden lifted from my shoulders. I was no longer Tehmina Khar.”

           She was freed from Mustafa’s tyranny. However, social pressures and emotional insecurity kept her low- spirited and despondent. The identity of Mrs. Mustafa Khar no longer exists, her friends and social groups to whom she was associated declined to help her. “I have to start a new.” Was there a new Tehmina Durrani inside me, older and sadder but also wiser.” She pondered. Being single, divorce or widow, a Pakistani woman cannot easily survive in a male- dominated society. Tehmina like other helpless women suffered great ordeals in bringing up her children. During adversity, her sisters Zarmina and Minoo supported her.

        The book is great inspiration for every woman who is compelled to suffer in silence. The strength and determination of Tehmina is commendable. Through her bold piece of work, she aimed at raising awareness in women to speak up for their rights. Ending her book she writes, “Muslim women must learn to raise their voices against injustice.It is Jehad to represent the silent majority who are suffering in silence.”  

      While reading the heard hearted incidents in the book, I felt inner strength and firmness. According to my personal view, men need women and women need men. They should not be abused, maligned and treated with contempt. Their self- respect and self- esteem is essential to build or break their personality. It is high time, we women need to stand and ask for our rightful place in society. We should not need act as silent spectators, we have our own identity, individuality and value which needs to be recognized.   We need to live boldly and build up our decision power. Trial and error is the road to success. Unless we take risks in life, we never know which path is better. Trust in Allah He has great plans for us.

        I read beautiful lines in the book, ‘The confident Woman’ by Joyce Meyer and I quote, “You are a woman! God loves you, you are equal with men, and you have a destiny. It is high time someone realizes who you really are!. Value your inner self, your beauty, innocence and purity. God has given women a special place of honour in society.”

        Hence, women need to be unconditionally loved and respected by society as a whole.

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Understanding the Nikhanama

https://celebdhaba.com/know-nikahnama-animated-short-film-launched-sharmeen-obaid-chinoy/

http://hellopakistanmag.com/hello-pakistan/sharmeen-obaid-chinoy-launches-fifth-animated-short-film-aagahi-titled-talaq-khula-divorce/

Understanding the Nikhanama

By Sadia Wali

In matters of civilized behaviour women have the same rights over men as men have over women” — Al Quran (2:228). Women are equal to men in common responsibilities and in receiving rewards. On his authority from Ibn 'Abbas, women are acknowledged as an independent personality, in possession of human qualities and worthy of spiritual aspirations.  Women are neither inferior to nor deviant from that of their male counterparts.  Islamic law emphasizes the contractual nature of marriage; the Muslim women are protected in the nikahnama in the matter of matrimonial life. 

The nikahnama is a social contract between the groom and bride and under contract both the parties have to follow the terms and conditions of the contract. It is important to know the legalities regarding a marriage contract that is a ‘Nikahnama’.

While watching the three – minute short film by Sharmeen Obaid-Chinoy, “Know Your Nikahnama”, I realized the significance of Nikahnama in the matter of matrimonial life. Consequently, through my blog I have made effort to provide essential knowledge and understanding about the nikahnama which girls need to know before signing it. As mostly girls including me regret not having read this legal document thoroughly before signing it as we suffered the consequences later.

The videos highlighted important information that the bride should know before she signs this legal document and discussed the rights pertaining to Mehr, the right of divorce (Talaq) and the process of divorce/ khula.

A sound knowledge of the Nikahnama can actually help the couple understand expectations and their duties towards one another. It is especially important for the bride to align each detail with her partner in order to safeguard her position in the marriage. However, it is a great tragedy that women are put in the dark about the terms and conditions of the Nikah contract as mostly women sign this important document without reading it.

Nikahnama is an official requirement under the Muslim Family Law Ordinance 1961. Once signed, it needs to be registered with the local Union Council's Registrar under the same law. Under Shariah Law, a verbal nikah is just as good as a written one  provided the formalities pertaining to witnesses are fulfilled. The state law requires the Nikahnama provided under the law to be signed and registered. The Nikahnama is filled by the nikah registrar or qazi who takes an oath of  nikah .Since they don’t have sufficient knowledge, they don’t bother to explain to the parents of the bride or the bridegroom.

My blog highlights essential aspects of the nikah form. As you begin to read these clauses, you will analyze there is completed protection of the women in all matrimonial matters especially the columns No.13 to 22 are totally in the favor of the women which are about the dower, dowry articles, maintenance, banning on the second marriage and as well the delegated powers of the divorce. Generally these columns are left blank. 

The Muslim Family Law gives complete protection to women. Unfortunately we are unable to get this advantage as only column No 13 is filled and others are left blank or crossed due to negligence by the parents of the bride.

Amount of Mehr: This is clause 13 of the nikahnama. The Mehr actually acts as a form of economic protection for women, in case of a divorce as well as a gesture from the man to show seriousness to get into a serious commitment. It is not obsessed with virginity, as it is payable to both virgin as well widowed or divorced women who are no longer virgins. Second, the Mehr does not need to be a high amount. It is a gesture of love, first and foremost and should be looked upon as such. I have seen many people asking brides how much Mehr they received.

Clause 14 is about two types of Mehr, Mehr Moajjal (Prompt) is where the Mehr will be given as soon as the couple is in seclusion or at the time of the Nikah. Mehr Muwajjal (Deferred) is when the mehr is provided after a certain time which is fixed in the contract or at the time of death or at any time the wife demands for it to be paid. The full amount of Mehr may be divided into prompt and deferred.

The next column No. 16 is also about the dower amount that whether any kind of property has been given to the bride or not if given then gives the details and conditions. So if we see there are four columns from serial No. 13 to 16 about the dower amount but hardly one column is filled.

13	The amount of Mahar
14	The amount of Mahar Moajjal & the amount of Mahar Mowajjal
15	Was any part of the amount of Mahar paid at the time of marriage? If paid, how much?
16	If a property is given in her Mahar or a thereto if given, the detail of the property, the price of the property fixed among parties should be mentioned.

In Pakistan, before the Nikahnama even reaches the families or the signatories, the Maulvi Saab has already crossed out clauses 17, 18 and 19 as it is believed that no couple wants to add any conditions. The conditions of the marriage must be narrated in clause 17 for the protection of the bride. Column 18 is whether the groom has given the delegated power of the divorce to the bride or not if given on what conditions.

The column No.19 is about divorce. This is an important column from the bride’s point of view and her protection. If conditions are imposed on divorce, then it will not be easy for the husband to divorce without any reason. Generally no maintenance documents are prepared at the time of marriage. Hence, separate document must be prepared and mentioned in column No .20. Even where the couple is in agreement to delegate the right to the wife, the clauses are already crossed out.

18	Has the bridegroom given the right of divorce to the bride? If given on what conditions?
19.	Is there any restriction on the right of divorce by the bridegroom?
20.	Is there any document prepared of living her life etc. If prepared a brief note should be mentioned here.
21.	Does the bridegroom have another wife also.If he has any,has he obtained permission  vide rules 8,10 of the Muslim family ordinance of 1961 to have 2nd wife.

Clauses 21-22 clearly articulate that the husband may only marry a second woman after getting permission from the first wife (through a permission certification from the local Arbitration Council). You can't secretly have more than one wife. Mostly, these clauses are not filled which is against the rights of the women.

The Pakistan Jurist indicates that the marriage certificate should have some additional clauses indicating if the bridegroom is already married, has never married or a widower names of bridegroom and bride with detail description of his/her education, profession, property, and monthly income, whether spouse will live under joint family system, separate or otherwise?

Lawyer and women’s rights activist Ms. Flavia Agnes emphasizes the need for a standard Nikahnama. “It is submitted that if a standard Nikahnama is made for all Muslims to use at the time of solemnization of marriage, it will be an effective way to protect women against instantaneous and arbitrary triple talaq. Such a Nikahnama will not violate the essential character of a Muslim marriage being a contract between two consenting parties.”

According to sources provided by Aurat Foundation and Provincial Commission on the Status of Women (PCSW), 51 per cent of marriages have been found to be unregistered or the respondents had no idea about registration of his or her marriage. Mostly, non-registration of marriage was being attributed to customary practices. In Peshawar, more than 50 per cent of women and even many men can’t read their nikahnama (marriage certificate); 74 per cent women aren’t consulted before the filling of marriage registration forms, and 40 per cent married women don’t even know who had filled them.

Kate Vyborny, a postdoctoral associate from the Duke University writes around 36 to 37percent of the community in Pakistan rarely inform the bride about the answers on the marriage certificate. Nearly 60pc of marriage registrars do not discuss the terms of a divorce with the bride’s family while almost 21percent are advised not to discuss it.

Women’s rights activist Rubina Sehgal, is of the view,  “No more than 2 percent of Pakistani women are familiar with their marriage contracts, which even educated and progressive women don’t view as a binding legal document, even though that’s what it is. “Women are brought up to believe that marriage implies submission and obedience and so, when it comes to the marriage contract, they just sign it.  They forget at that time that they have the right to read it, vet it, and even suggest changes. At the time of tying the knot, a lot mostly women sign this important document without reading it.”

Women’s rights activists fiercely defend a woman’s right to be able to liberate herself from a terrible marriage. According to a group of women lawyers, woman can achieve equal rights in marriage through the proper use of the standard Nikahnama. Various sections of the Nikahnama are removed before the couple gets to see the document. “These sections include a woman’s right to divorce her husband. Other privileges include restricting a man’s right to divorce his wife and the opportunity for spouses to impose conditions on the marriage.”

 Mostly women have insufficient legal awareness about their rights therefore unable to negotiate for these rights in judicial or non-judicial forum.  NGos and government should conduct legal awareness programs in order to disseminate information to women. Ministry of Human Rights also aims at launching nationwide awareness campaign to educate people about significance of women laws.

Representatives of Rozan Care for Health Legal Aid Society say “Young girls must be taught about their rights, the right to divorce, the right to financial support during marriage and post-divorce along with other transparent measures embedded in the Nikahnama to safeguard and empower their future.”

Advocate Rubina Brohi, member of the Sindh Human Rights Commission and regional coordinator of the Aurat Foundation views that a national media campaign through various mediums of communication is required. Civil society organizations are working in collaboration with various departments of the Government of Pakistan regarding creating awareness campaign, policy-making and implementation of women laws in the country. According to Rubina, the existing nikahnama drafted in 60s has become obsolete. Now time and trends have changed. Civil organizations and ministry of women are working to draft a new nikahnama that include clauses pertaining to health certificate, age of the bridegroom and information about previous marriage.

Council of Islamic Ideology (CII) has preliminary drafted a new comprehensive nikahnama (marriage contract) and Talaqnama (divorce paper) that seek to ensure the due rights of women.  According to the representatives of CII, the new Nikahnama will clearly enlists women's rights, including their right to divorce. The language will be simple and easily understood by general public. Qibla Ayaz, the CII chairman proposed that the new document will be drafted in the light of teachings of the Holy Quran and Sunnah that will help to strength the family system and create awareness in women regarding their legal rights. The details of national identity cards will be entered in the nikahnama. This will make the Nikanama more effective in society.

Efforts to enhance women’s legal literacy is need of the hour. Law enforcement agencies and women organizations should disseminate knowledge in women of their legal rights and ensure that all columns in Nikhanama should be filled honestly and promptly. It will help to save the rights of the women in matrimonial life.